The Thing About Pain
by SauceryAmbrosius
Summary: The Doctor delves into memories twisted by his guilty conscience, memories he has left alone for hundreds of years. The pain these memories trigger leave him incapacitated, and we begin to truly begin to understand what goes on in The Doctors head.


TheDoctor zoomed around the TARDIS, setting coordinates and planning future excursions into the vast expanse of the Universe. He was planning on taking Clara to the Eye of Orion, one of the most beautiful and tranquil planets in the cosmos. He stood back and admired his handiwork, and prepared to retire for the night. He patted the TARDIS console lovingly.

"Goodnight, old girl." he said quietly. The TARDIS purred in response. On the way down the stairs, he ran into something hanging from the ceiling. He batted it out of his face only to have it swing back again. He fumbled, trying to reach it, but it kept zooming away at his slightest touch. He started dashing back and forth along the stair he was on, trying to get the thing out of his face. Finally, he slipped on his dressing-gown and collapsed onto the floor of the TARDIS. He sat up, rubbing his backside, and glared at the treacherous thing that caused his fall.

It was a circular pendant hanging from a hook on the ceiling. He wondered where it came from as he stood up, and took it in his hands. It looked like a symbol. He looked around at the TARDIS console.

"Right. What are you up to this time?" he asked her. No response. He began walking across the TARDIS to the console, intending to trace it to its home planet, before recognizing the language written on it. Circular Gallifreyan. He began hurrying towards the light excitedly, trying to interpret the letters. He was a bit rusty in the written language, but he could make do. He tripped over a spare cog on his route to the only light source available, the lamp Amy bought for him, and went crashing to the floor. He barely noticed, seeing that this happened quite a lot, and thrusted the pendant under the light.

He began to read. When he reached the third letter, a memory began to tickle in the corner of his brain. He pushed it down, and continued reading. The bother got stronger, until finally, he allowed himself to remember. Golden skies. Red grass. Silver trees shimmering in the double suns. A little girl giggling, running in between the trees.

"Come get me! Bet you can't!" she called. The Doctor smiled at begain to give chase, joy coursing through every particle of his body. Her red robes flashed in and out of sight as she ran. Then he lost sight of her. "Myrah!" he heard himself calling. She called back. The word, he remembered. The word written on the pendant. The word buried in the deepest, darkest places in his memory. His name. He smiled, pleased to hear it again. He followed the girl's voice.

He saw her peeking around one of the silver trees, her back to him. He hastily hid behind a log. She didn't see him. He smiled wider, and began to sneak up behind her. She looked around just as he tackled her. The rolled, giggling, down a hill, and came to rest staring up at the sky.

"Isn't it beautiful?" she asked, her bluer-than-blue eyes, shining next to him.

"Yes." he whispered, tears stinging his eyes. She smiled back at him, looking back up at the glittering sky.

"Too bad it's going to be gone, soon." He started, and looked around at her, questioning. She stared deep into his eyes. "You see that city, over there?" she asked pointing towards the city of the Time Lords, the guardians of the planet. He nodded numbly. "Soon, you're going to go there, and this," she gestured around her. "Will disappear. I'll be no older than ten when that happens."

She looked up to meet his horrified expression. "You ruined everything." she said, tears welling in her eyes.

"No." said the Doctor. "I didn't mean to," he whimpered.

"Yes. I'll be dead because of you." she began to scream. "I could have had a life! I could have had kids to be proud of! I could of gone and done something important! BUT NO! BECAUSE OF YOU!" And she ran away, towards the city of the timelords.

"MYRAH!" the Doctor yelled. He began to chase after her, all fun gone. Suddenly, the temperature began to rise. Sweat poured from his brow as he ran. The color of the world seemed to change to an evil scarlet. He stumbled on a loose stone, and barely managed to keep himself from falling. He looked up at the sky as the temperature continued to rise. But he didn't see the sky.

All he saw was fire. Fire and smoke. He looked ahead, and saw Myrah. She was running for cover in the trees, screeching as she went. He began to scream at her to get away, but he was never able to. Fire began to fall. It fell in the midst of the forest, and the last thing he saw was Myrah looking up at a burning tree falling toward her as though in slow motion. She turned around, and her bluest blue eyes glared with a wicked I-told-you-so, before the fire engulfed her.

The Doctor's eyes snapped open, Myrah's last screams echoing in his ears. He looked up to find Clara, pale-faced and clammy, staring down at him in fear. Only when the vision had completely faded did the Doctor realize the screams were his own.

He took in the fear deep within Clara's eyes, and collapsed into uncontrollable sobs.

Clara beheld her Doctor writhing on the floor as though in agony. Tears were streaming down his face, and a memory of a small child scraping their knee filled her vision. As a child, she had scraped her knee an uncountable amount of times, and to her six-year-old self, it was the most painful thing she ever endured. But the Doctor was 1200 years old. He'd endured so much worse without blinking. Clara wondered what had happened, but she knew that she could not know everything about her Doctor.

So she did the only thing she knew how: comfort as best as she could.

"Come now, Doctor, up you get." she said softly. She hooked her arms under his and tried to haul him to his feet, but he was deadweight, seeming to be welded to the ground. So she set him back as gently as she could manage, and went to find a blanket of some kind.

The Doctor gave a small cry of anguish, and a great moan resonated from within the TARDIS. She had seen this before, and hoped to never see it again. Her thief was remembering all the things he could not go back to, a time where running had been a game instead of a survival tactic. A time when his friends stayed. An innocent existence in which he was but a child, a fish in a great sea, instead of a great sea himself. The TARDIS knew that when this happened, the only thing to do was make him feel safe enough to come back. So she set herself in the last place the Doctor truly felt safe. She brought him to the person who understood. River.

River's head popped up when she heard the familiar sound of the TARDIS. She thought, "silly bugger's left the brakes on again. I'll have to tell him off about it." She stood and easily unlocked her door as the TARDIS materialized in full. What came out of those doors was something she hoped she would never have to see again. The Doctor, dead to the world, with his companion,Clara, she thinks, it can be hard to keep track, dragging him toward her, expecting her to know what to do. Unfortunately, she did. She had seen this too many times, and knew she would see them again. The girl opened her mouth to ask a question, but River put a finger to her lips. When in this state, the Doctor was extremely sensitive to loud noises.

She helped Clara haul the Doctor onto her sorry excuse of a bed, wishing she had something better to give him. When they let go of him, the Doctor began to shake. River quickly took his hand, and the trembling calmed. Loneliness. One of the worst curses known. Clara asked a silent question with her eyes, "is he safe here?" River nodded, hoping to whatever higher power was out there that it would be true, that this wouldn't be one ofthosetimes, when he scratched at his skin and ran at walls, trying to die, trying to leave a Universe full of pain and suffering. Clara seemed satisfied, however, and disappeared back into the TARDIS. River looked into the Doctor's open eyes, which saw nothing. Tears were still flowing freely down his cheeks. He was remembering the bad times, the things he did, and things that had been done to him. It was burning everything in him. The only way to fight this fire was with fire, with more memories. She started to sing an ancient Gallifreyan lullaby, the Doctor's favorite: the one he always requested to be sung.

The thing about pain

Is it won't last forever,

And it kills you right now,

But with time it gets better,

The thing about scars,

Is that they'll all start to fade,

Until nothing is left

Of the cuts that were made.

The thing about today

Is there's always tomorrow,

And if you can't find your smile,

I have one you can borrow.

The thing about help

Is beside you it stands.

But it won't know it's needed

Unless you reach out your hand.

The thing about love

Is it's all around

But you can't find it

Until you have been found

Clara eventually reappeared with three mugs of hot chocolate. She set one gently down by the small table River was allowed for good behaviour, gave one to River, who was still singing, and kept one for herself. Clara sat in the one small chair, and thought about how… homey this all looked. A wife sitting on her bed, comforting her husband, who had a nightmare, while their friend sat and kept them company. Eventually, Clara drifted off, mug still in her hand.

She awoke when River stopped singing. For her part, River's voice had grown scratchy and rough, and it had hurt to sing. The Doctor seemed to be asleep, but as soon as River stopped singing, he started to writhe and his formerly slow and steady breaths became ragged little gasps. He groped at the air, looking for her, fearing the prospect of being left alone. River tried, but she could not sing anymore. Clara met her eyes, and sensed a deep sadness within her. Clara would not allow her to break too.

She silently ushered River into the bed next to the Doctor, and took a deep breath. She told a story. A story her mother had told her multiple times over the course of her childhood. One that had always touched her, and still did. She closed her eyes as pictures from her past flickered across her vision.

"Once, there was a boy, just like you, I suppose…" she began, smiling at the line her mother added. The story was of a boy that lived in a magical world, and he was scared of getting lost, just like Clara was when she was little. One day, when he went to pick flowers for his mother, he lost his way. He ran all throughout the forest, looking for his home. He faced terrifying monsters, and had to sleep in the dark and cold. He was so sad, bashed up and dirty when he found a path dappled in sunlight. He walked along this path until he heard a panicked voice. Then, he ran. He found his mother hurrying about, looking for him. She took him in his arms saying, "There you are, my little one. It's all right, you're not alone anymore."

Clara closed her eyes and quoted the thing her mother said after every retelling. "So you see, no matter what you face, and no matter where or how many times you get lost, I will always find you." She opened her eyes to find River and the Doctor all tangled up in each other.

The Doctor had his face buried in River's hair, and River had his shirt bunched up in her fists. Both were smiling small, secret smiles in their sleep. No more tears or pain. Just peace. The tiny jail cell almost felt like home.

The Doctor opened his eyes to a twilight view of a million curls. But he closed his eyes once more as he remembered how he came to be there. The faint memory of a song filled his mind. The familiar tune played itself through his mind and he smiled as he matched River's voice to it. Then came a picture of a mother hugging her child in a forest lit by buttery sunlight, the lullabye still playing. The image changed slightly to show him collapsed in the arms of the two women who loved him most. The strange, sweet image combined with a familiar song was achingly beautiful.

He withdrew from River's friz of golden hair, and looked down into her face. It was the picture of love and peace. He sighed contentedly. Underneath the hard shell, underneath the woman who made a dalek beg for mercy, was the spirit of a little girl who's dream came true. A little girl who was more scared of losing that dream than of anything else.

He looked over at Clara, slumped in her chair, a steady drip of hot chocolate still trickling from the mug held in her limp fingers. He smiled slightly as she started muttering something about him getting back in bed, followed by a long snore. He quietly crossed the room and walked into the TARDIS. All of the machinery whirred to life, and the TARDIS let out a soft squeal of delight. Her thief was back. He walked to his room and retrieved one of the many blankets on his bed. He returned and gently wrapped Clara up in it like a 5'2'' burrito. He carried her back to the TARDIS, and deposited her on her bed.

He returned to River's cell and scooped her up too. He brought her to the TARDIS as well, and laid her next to Clara. He then settled himself between the two of them. His girls: the ones who would always be there for him, making sure he was never alone again. He closed his eyes, and fell into a dreamless sleep to the rhythm of their soft, steady breaths.[a]


End file.
